Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Mom said you looked used
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
