I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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