life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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