Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
