The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
