o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
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After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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