my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
