my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
