Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
