I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
