Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
