I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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