Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
