Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
