Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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