we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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