Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
