so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The air was thick with penises
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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