If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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