Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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