My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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