We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
