Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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