if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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