Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
