There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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