I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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