Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize