i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
