Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
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If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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