it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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