there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think pants incapable of making pants work
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
