the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
