i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My dick has a subreddit
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
