guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
