someone threw a dead crab at me
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
