his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
