I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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