I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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