How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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