I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
