maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
