he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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