if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
