i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
