He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
