i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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