The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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