The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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