If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
