Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize