I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I want her autograph on my taint
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
