Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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