My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
